Libido. Gone but not forgotten.

Nora-Ephron_reading_glasses

I can’t help but look back on the days when my husband and I were dating. Every chance we had we were in the throes of passionate love. O.K. I’ll call it what it is, oversexed 20-somethings. The great thing is that it was always mutual. If it wasn’t him instigating the tryst, it was me. I will confess, once when we were on vacation with the kids, we stole away to our car and well, you can guess what happened. And before you judge, my kids were old enough to be alone….with cartoons on…..with a bribe….it was brilliant.  I look back on that time and smile and then there’s a freeze frame and a voice over and it’s me, “My how quickly those years pass and libido shifts.”

So ladies, the truth of the matter is I’m in my 50’s and my libido is shot, kaput, absent, finished spent. No, don’t say it’s fading, it’s a complete blackout. Am  I the only one that feels that way? Don’t get me wrong, when my husband rubs my back or kisses me on the cheek I love that, but only that. It’s all I need. But if I even make one move to insinuate I want more, it’s all over. The sweet rub on the back manages to find it’s way around to my boobs. At which point I turn around and say, “Really?”  Then I feel bad, for a brief moment.

The question then becomes, where did the big L go?  It’s like my libido was traded in for a renewed zest for life. Friendships are deeper, hobbies are pursued more passionately and time in the shower is spent well , washing my hair, cleaning my body and that’s it, done. If there was an agreement made re; my libido way back when, I wasn’t privy to it.  Either way, I’m here, libido free unless I have a couple of hours to rev up the motor. Quite frankly, and we’re being perfectly frank right? I’d rather be reading a good book. You?

So this is the time in life that was never discussed. Whoever would have thought that a young woman with a very healthy sex drive would be writing an article 30 years later about, hasta la vista libido. Well, I never would have thunk it, that’s for sure.  And there’s certainly pressure on to keep that libido rocking. Check out all the  TV ads for guys to call all hands on deck to hoist the sail via a little blue pill.   Is it me or is the way those guys look at the women they’re with a little creepy? The ad says, “If symptoms last for more than 4 hours call your doctor.”  At that point they wouldn’t be calling the doctor for him, it would be for me. Honestly, my worst nightmare.

There’s also pressure (I consider it more of a nuisance) from Hollywood to maintain youth in all aspects, including that sexual appetite. What happens if we don’t? Men seek out younger women. Whatever.

I suppose we do need to consider our significant other.  Sure, I’ve talked about it and reassured him that my love for him is no less, just my sex motor has burned out and that model no longer exists, sorry, no fixing it.  He knows I love and adore him, and I certainly do my best to compromise from time to time.  I truly believe it is simply part of life’s transitions. We find other ways to show our love for each other. I am a believer in the theory that libido is for procreation.  Over it.

But the whole point of this blog is to discuss this topic which is rarely discussed, the fact that libido wanes, but we don’t. Dropped libido isn’t a death sentence, it’s simply an opportunity to re-prioritize.  Maybe discussing libido, or lack thereof is inappropriate. (I’m in my 50’s now, I don’t care) Maybe women still aren’t comfortable discussing it, maybe it’s just me and I’m a pathetic libido free woman, or maybe you agree that the media makes us believe that sex should be hot and heavy until you drop dead (assuming that’s in your 90’s).

fountainofyouth4

Just like the song, “To every season turn, turn turn,” I believe to every age there is a season and with that comes change. I choose to roll with the change and know that my partner in love takes me with the good and the bad as I do with him. Either way, there’s so much positive at this stage of life that if libido is the only thing I’m missing, I think I’ll be o.k. and so will my hubby. The circle of life in all its libido free splendor.

 

Signed,

 

Meno

30 thoughts on “Libido. Gone but not forgotten.

  1. Thank You!!!!! I am almost 52 and I feel like I could have written this. I’ve been married for almost 32 years to my wonderful husband who does the back rub/boob grab all the time! Lol! When we were younger, we also couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Years of infertility meant lots of sex. Then between pregnancy and nursing, came 6 years of complete exhaustion. Now that our 3 kids are grown (our youngest just turned 19) Id love to say that we’re back at it like bunnies, but we’re not. Oh, don’t get me wrong, if it were up to my husband, there would be lots of sex. But I just can’t find my libido anywhere either. Maybe each couple has a certain number of encounters and we used all of ours up trying to get pregnant. Thankfully, we do still love each other and I have found that certain things can give my libido a boost. Reading a sexy scene in a romance novel usually gets me thinking about it. When we’re on vacation, we even watch some x-rated movies. Bottom line is, we still love each other and we find ways to get creative. Thank you so much for voicing what I’m feeling.

    • Thank you for taking time to write! I’ve searched forever to try and find information that doesn’t make aging seem like an abnormality. So much push about youth, time we all share our thoughts, challenges and this age of surprise!

  2. You need a facebook page or a newsletter of some sort so I can get your posts. I read your other posts, and you have me spot on. Thanks for putting it into words.

    • Thank you, Melissa. I’m working on it. I’ve just decided to start this, so I hope you’ll tag along. So much to write and share, so little time! We need more resources where we can learn that the changes we experience are a bad thing, just an age thing. I love getting older, I just wish the media would stop telling me I’m washed up. I feel like I’m just getting started!

  3. I was about 55 when the same changes occurred in me. I, unfortunately, was a single woman. It was a while before I gave up and stopped dating. It seemed unfair to lead men on if I had NO interest in them sexually. I read this article with great interest. You seem to be okay with the alterations, but I truly worry about your husband…If I was married to a man that completely lost interest in having sex with me, I’d be distraught (to say the least).

    • Thank you, Karen. Trust me, my hubby is a happy guy. I don’t want libido to be confused with love. The sex piece has just dropped a bit, not vanished. We take care of each other and after over 30 years of marriage, we’re figuring it out. I tell him he’s spoiled, he says I’m lucky. So, there we are!

      • It’s been long enough since I’ve had someone in my direct life, that I forget about “sharing”. I didn’t mean to doubt you with my first post. You’re happy with you. Who am I to question that? Again, thank you for the topic. Please add my email address to any further postings, or maybe your new blog on the topic.

  4. Thank you for your wonderful insight. You truly express exactly how I feel. I have been married for 45 years and can relate to all your articles. It would be wonderful to be able to express these feelings and share our views with each other. Again, thank you for starting the conversation! I look forward to what you have to say and will be reading your post!

    • Thank you, Sandy. I think many women would relate to some or all of the posts. As I mentioned earlier, these conversations are not taking place. You can find millions of articles on how to stay youthful, yet very few on the aging process. It’s different today than when my Grandparents or even parents were 50 and up. There are so many fantastic things about getting older, yet all we seem to hear about is the latest surgery to enhance youth. My inner youth has never been stronger and like you said, let’s continue to share our views, they’re important!

  5. I loved your article, thank you……I am right there with you. I’ve just turned 60 and about ten years ago I felt I was done done done… And, I have no interest in making that drive come back via a special pink pill. I’m just done with it.

  6. You hit the nail on the head and got it all with ONE hit. I’ve felt so guilty that I have no desire for that part of our marriage any more and those commercials for the men just put on more pressure making me feel like I’m missing something. 41 years of marriage and yes we love each other but I am happy reading my romance novels and holding his hand. Then there is the change in the body that takes place and now I’m hunting the isles at the store for those lubricating tubes of whatever and wishing that kissing was something that I could get into again like I did when I was in my teens and twenties so the natural juices would flow and make intimacy not so irritating or saying it like it is painful. I’m just glad I’m not the only one experiencing this. Thank you.

    • Hmm, Laura, you bring up some good points. Lube, pain and kissing. Not necessarily in that order. I think we have another topic to discuss. Thank you for taking time to respond.

  7. there is hope. I went through the same thing but hit my 60’s and whatabingbay I am hotter than a jalapeño now my husband has to try to keep up

  8. Thank you so much for sharing this, it’s like the light at the end of the tunnel was actually a light of revelation!!! I’m a thyroid cancer patient since I was 48, now 13 years later I had blamed it on the lack of a thyroid, menopause, and being over 60. Although friends I would mention it to would look at me with a “Poor you, now what’s gonna happen to your marriage?” Well the one thing this now Stage 4 Metastatic Cancer has done is show me that my sweet husband loves me more than ever! Our sex life was FABULOUS, and we’re grateful for that because now we enjoy our conversations, our time cuddling as we watch a Movie our travels. We really enjoy each other just like you describe it. It maybe gone but I have stories and memories that are beautiful and cherished. Hooray for us!!!

  9. I felt the same until I met a man with a slow hand and amazing kisses. He was a guy who warmed up the engine before putting the car in gear. He ate slowly and savored every bite, unlike my longtime mate who scarfed down his meals in a rush to get back to work. Love takes time and energy, especially as we age.

  10. Good for you! I’m so glad you’re in the ring dukin’ it out with cultural expectations and the seemingly relentless need to give in and give up! I’ve been at it for ten years and clearly there’s more work to be done! Here’s one of my attempts to raise awareness. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dorothy-sander/keeping-up-appearances_b_1379574.html! The problem is that we’re assaulted day in and day out by advertisers. Time to turn them off and tune into what we know is right for us. Same thing with sex. We have to listen to our body, mind and spirit and accept what’s right for us. If there’s not juice for the get up and go why fight what is? I am still, however, a proponent of doing whatever we do in love. In that regard working it out with hubby is paramount. I miss my libido and my husband’s! However, as a young person I often thought that the only way I was going to go deep spiritually was to give up men – I didn’t, so now there’s room for further exploration! This I am loving. Keep on writing! We’ll keep on reading! And, we will raise consciousness and make a difference in the process.

    • I’m so with you, Dorothy. I’m going to read your article now. We’ve got plenty of work to do to stop making aging such a negative thing.

  11. I wish this was my story… I’m 49.5… may as well say 50 & my sex drive was diminished a few years back, when I had a baby at 40, but has returned, like crazy! The problem is that my husband (age 52) has little or no sex drive, and doesn’t want to try the ‘little blue pill’. This is a bit of misery for a monogamous woman, in a 27 year old relationship! I think he’s embarassed about the lack, & so avoids intimate situations with me. He tells me he loves me; I can’t remember the last time he treated me like anything more than a friend, or sister. Any input on how to handle this would be appreciated.

    FYI, for those that want to regain your libido, I blame it on an increase of muscle mass. I had a bad fall off of a horse, broke ribs & a bone in my neck, & started strength training, to build my core strength & bone density. I think the extra muscle mass produces more testosterone, & an increased libido.

  12. I’m over fifty and though my drive has definitely diminished in that area, it is not by any means gone! And especially not forever! I go through phases where I want sex more than others but find that a lot of what I was told, getting dryer, etc. just isn’t the case for me, so far anyway! I hope I never go there, because I think it is hard on the hubby to not be able to satisfy me. That’s how he sees it (now!).

  13. I just turned 63 just the other day. I’ve been married to the same man since I was 19. Yes, the libido is different and it isn’t the same as it was in our 20’s but it’s stil there. Sex changed and almost overnight. I’d encourage couples to experiment in ways they never did before. There are lubricants and estrogen to make sex more comfortable. Try one of those backrubs from your husband with the hitachi vibrator. It’s quite the motivator ….if you get my drift. The point is, don’t try to have the sex of a 20 year old….find your own creativity. And YES….PLEASE…keep talking about it. I am fortunate my husband went looking for ways to motivate me. Babeland is a very nice non-sleezy online supplier we older lovers can explore. Just sayin’!

    • Thanks for the resource, Rebekah. I think keeping the conversation going is absolutely key. Given the vast responses, the conversation should continue.

  14. This was a fantastic blog post to come across and it’s amazing to see how many of you are going through the same thing. This happened to me and I was on a mission to find out WHY. I was lucky enough to come across a fantastic book that actually helped me in the bedroom as well as helped my health in general. It’s called “Why is Mid-Life Mooching your Mojo?” by author Joni Labbe (http://mojogirlfriends.com/). She made it very clear that a low libido can be a red flag for an underlying health problem. This comes straight from her website – “When a chronic health issue has you in its grips, it’s no wonder libido disappears — coping with constant illness and discomfort leaves room for little else. On the other hand, some people’s chronic issues are subtle enough they don’t know their health is flagging, just that their libido is.” This book goes into detail about how many woman are unaware that they are living with unbalanced hormones, low thyroid, adrenal fatigue, Hashimoto’s or other auto immune issues. The author has been diagnosed with Celiac’s disease as well as Hashimoto’s so she is able to recommend the best (and most affordable) testing to get from your doctor and natural ways to alleviate these problems (she is also a certified nutritionist!). This book was a God send and I can’t say enough good things about it. I hope you and your readers will check it out!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *